Log in

hey hey   
08:45pm 19/01/2007
  how have you all been? long time no post :P

just to remind you all, I have been on myspace for ages rather than lj - www.myspace.com/djgeko
14 lost souls venture
06:57am 25/05/2006
mood: tired
well that's what you get for doing windows updates!
my computer is going nuts with "your copy of windows is not genuine" ... grrrr really? no shit shirlock.

*groans and goes to work*
19 lost souls venture
is life just a play ground?   
06:09pm 20/05/2006
mood: happy
bought a bbq and a new phone today (nokia 6280 - finally claimed insurance) snnnnazzy.
hung out with family friends and mom lastnight, then andy came and saved me after my friends cat attacekd me (apparently it was "playing", the drawn blood says otherwise), then passed out on andy not long after we walked in the door.

spent a lot of today fixing up the backyard with my parents & family friends.

waiting for Club to come over before heading to Transmission :) and take piccies of my 3 favourite boys.

aww yeah *hugs her new phone*

But wake up baby
You're so totally deluded
You'll end up old and lonely
If you don't get a bullet in your head

Good luck good luck
Good luck in your new bed
Enjoy your nightmares honey
When you're resting your head

And I'm glad so glad that I'm done with you
No more crying crying leaving me so black and blue
You backed me up against the wall but I stand tall
Don't give a damn no more

straight ahead... one direction ;)

sucks... a few of my close friends won't be coming to my 21st :(

how shameful.. i just had to run across my street in a towel chasing my dogs.... *groans* stupid neighbours having a party too *cries*... talk about a rancid sight.. poor buggers lol

21 tomorrow... *craps her pants* :(
3 lost souls venture
05:25pm 19/05/2006
mood: depressed
the possum turned out to be female.. she had a baby in her pouch.. she's completely blind...
they are going to give her to a carer until her baby is weened and healthy... then put her down :(

I went to the vets on the way home, to see if I could find another option... a carer willing to take the time to look after a blind possum...

no such luck.. *sigh* I suppose I'm happy I got to save a future possum tho... it's jsut sad they will put the mother down.. I would give up anything to be able to take her into my care, she was so beautiful and gentle.


Don't doubt yourself today, Courtney. Emotionally you should be feeling quite strong, although feelings of inadequacy could sneak into the picture. This could be because you are having trouble understanding issues that seem rather cloudy. Just because things aren't exactly clear doesn't mean that they aren't working out in your best interest. As long as you remain confident that things will come out fine, they will.
1 lost soul venture
07:03am 19/05/2006
mood: depressed
you know when people ask you those questions:

"would you risk your life to save an animal?"

I always have said yes, but you never really know until you are in the situation...
yesterday after meeting mom and mel in town, dad picked us up, we were driving home and next thing i know dad turned into oncoming traffic, we missed them and as i looked around there was a possum in the middle of the rd, cars were swirving and just skimming it.. i ran out as dad was barely stopping, and pis bolted into the oncoming 2 lanes of traffic, the possum ran further out, so i did too.
if you were one of those people yelling and screaming and honking your horn at me yesterday afternoon *gives you the finger* know I know why they call it peak hour traffic...

he was completely blind in one eye, had a bloody hole on the back of his head... I gues form the cars that went over him and clipped the back of his head... he was running in circles and freaked... maybe had brain damage from all the cars hitting his head at they went over...

long story short... finally got him to the side of the road, gave him a pat & shooed him to the fence, he crawled over, then i ended up calling him back as the only way out was over and across the road again... he came over we put him in a sleeping bag and took him to the vets....

I hope he's ok... :(
6 lost souls venture
05:41pm 09/05/2006
mood: determined
Stop dwelling on old projects and routines that are based on situations that have long since expired, Courtney. Note the change that has occurred around you, and make necessary adjustments to your future plans. This is the perfect time for you to honestly examine your current situation without bias. Being aggressive in your approach toward improvement and change means identifying the old and letting go of whatever no longer serves you. Move forward with courage instead of hesitation and resentment.

eeee.... my horoscope freaks me out... nevertheless, I am officially a non-smoker yay. josh gave me one today and I almost hurled from the taste.

mandy inspired me to get my arse into gear with Asos, working on more of it tonight... Can you all join animalsos PLEASE... only 2 of us... join it dammit >_<

http://groups.myspace.com/animalsos if you use myspace.

beer time I think.

naw fuck.. i accidently deleted my page set up.... meah too lazy to re-do it.
5 lost souls venture
06:17pm 08/05/2006
mood: happy
I can feel a cold coming onnnnnn, thats what I get for going out late on a school night :$ had dinner and saw two movies, I guess seeing one just wasn't enough? lol The ringer was funny, embarrassing to watch (especially with the guy in the wheelchair behind us...), and the hills have eyes was, pretty cool... gave me nightmares, really gory, fucked up nightmares lol Caught up for lunch today in the park... nice change from the greesey food courts.

read a weird article in the Timeoff magazine (anyone else read it?) it's about internet relationships and shit. it was enough to turn me off ever meeting another person off the internet lol [the girl cyber sexing with some guy for a year, met him in a seedy hotel and it was her DAD!!!!]

buddha fest sucked this year :( i was really disappointed *le sigh* and scarab is shutting DOWN!!! :( where shall I buy my incense from? :( bought my first image record thingy the other day *hugs it* perty. mmm beer... my daily friend .

Mandy and i decided we're going to kill all the humans......
I have a sexy munchin keen to do animalsos with me :D

mandy sent me the link... fucked up shit...

oh and...
STATE OF ORIGIN!!!!!!!!!! soon...

GO BLUES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mmmm Mac n cheese for dinner!!!! *rubs tummy*

andy is my bitch! lol *pulls on the pants*
5 lost souls venture
01:40pm 06/05/2006
mood: angry
:( I was just watching a show on tv.... they were talking about chinese dog farming.. China consumes 20 millions dogs a year....

it's a fact that most die a horrible death... I just watched how they handled them... through a small cage filled with 15 puppies from the roof of the truck to a concrete floor....

the world is so fucked up....
3 lost souls venture
:) european blooded   
06:05pm 04/05/2006
mood: cheerful
ok i'm boring. i only post horoscopes now... cos i have no real imagination left.. the drugs ate it lol

All sorts of wonderful changes are in the air, Courtney, both at home and at work. At work, it may be that a proposal you submitted has been accepted, or you landed a deal you've been working on for some time now. On the personal front, someone new is likely to enter your life, changing it for the better. Enjoy this auspicious celestial energy!

my old job won the submission bid!! they were on tv *danceS* might ask for my old job back >_< new person eyyyy? *looks around* they LIE.
Josh (mate at work) and I have been trying to quit smoking for 3 wks (funnily enough it's why we met).. I figure we'll wear our selves out soon and actually do it. we spent 30 minutes at the police beat today, I have to go back tomorrow. yayness :/
haha i need to stop getting plastered on week nights :$ so cliche.. taking my meds with beer. ahh *wipes tear from eye* >:]

sheep ey? *winks* I like monkeys and lepricorns ey! sure to be sure! <--- I don't know, lingo ey. EY! yeh *shakes fist* take it! sunshine, lollipops! *dances around*
2 lost souls venture
some things can't be replaced   
06:04pm 03/05/2006
mood: empty
ewww i just started crying :(
*mumbles* damn you emotions!!!

surf'n in the U S A-msterdam
1 lost soul venture
horoscope: it continues to freak me out every day...   
04:55pm 02/05/2006
mood: listless
Emotions and memories that up until now have been deeply buried in your psyche could suddenly well up to the surface of your mind, Courtney. At first you might not be able to make sense of this. These memories could seem totally irrelevant to your present life. Still, a little reflection might reveal why you're recalling them now. Release whatever blockages these memories may have been causing, and you could find your life changed, in however subtle a way.
2 lost souls venture
01:12pm 30/04/2006
mood: content

my babies are so cute >_
2 lost souls venture
Soul without a Mind & a Body without a Heart   
06:51am 24/04/2006
mood: empty
and suddenly... it's just gone.
the one thing I was scared of happening, it's already been and happened. All of it... just... gone :(
spose the tablets are starting to do their job, doubling the dosage soon. Couldn't cry or get angry even if I tried :/ I forgot why I hated these things...
1 lost soul venture
:) enjoying the small pleasures in life   
08:35pm 18/04/2006
mood: content

alcoholic (taking after her mommy ;)

looking hot henry


Tough dogs on the block... with their new jackets and squeeky beers :)

they also had super doggy outfits with capes... but that's for tomorrow....
I'm spending more and more time with my babies. taking a healthier path in life lately. lots of sun, water and playing fetch, we might trip to the beach this weekend and try out their new aqua dog floatie :D

They're my everything. *squeezes henry and meeko & dances around* "you reach somewhere deep within, you make my body come alive, you bring me alive, promises always be broken".

Thanks for the lessons sev :) you're a great mentor!
3 lost souls venture
08:58pm 09/04/2006
mood: sick
hahaha... *wipes away a tear* stole these from notsomighty
doggy outfitsCollapse )

I know I am against cruelty to animals... but but but... dad is taking me dog clothes shopping later in the week (henry's favourite time of winter is having his vest put on when he wakes up, he won't leave the warmth of his bed otherwise).
Going to talk to my boss tomorrow... and if I end up having to stay there (they are understaffed, and the bosses' are the few nice people, I don't want to just up and leave, when they'd have to train someone new...) I am going to have a talk to that ... god loving so n so... that if she speaks to me from now on.. it's work related only. If I ever hear another person say "animals don't have feelings or emotions, it's written in the bible that they were put on earth as food"...
I'll take a bible to them myself... and oblong shapes aren't made for arseholes... so it will be a very painful religion lesson for them :/

Undecided about mayhem this weekend... I haven't missed one yet (I don't think I have...).. But god forebid I miss another of Duanes sets... $70 tickets *mumbles* butttt it has laserforce.. jumping castles... rides, and alcohol.. and new part of the RNA being used...?
[Alphazone (GER), Ed Real (UK), Steve Hill, Ephexis (UK), Tha Playa (NED), Tommyknocker (ITA), Robbie Long (UK), Team Rocket, iLL FX, MC Destiny supported by locals The Covenant, Seventy-7, Kuruption, Menace, 2styliztik, Kasey, Hiro, Ricochet, Yaisu, Saiyan, Akajic, Phix, Foreign Element, Apex, Flashpoint, Crakt, Cosmo Cater, Tiamos, Bipolar, Crossfire, Trancducer, Tydi, Chaotic Eternal, John G, Dash, Nv, Erazor, Tydi, Baby Gee, Wovn, Duanemc, Dr Phil, Anarchy and Parto]

(I've decided I'm going to have to skip both raves this weekend...:( until I'm back on my feet)

Thank you for the "Courtney" chocolate hot cross bun cake jess.. dad and I finished it within 24hrs... :$ (I took photos before we ate it though!)
Dads been taking me outside showing me planets and moons with his new funky telescope, he just showed me saturn.. fuck, it's awesome! I remember when i was like 6 and he'd take me up on the roof when we lived in the country and I'd bring my sleeping bag and we'd star gaze all night.

anyways... i have a few things i need to do over the next week(s)... hopefully in a few weeks I'll be on a road to being a better person (can't possibly come out worse ha.. ha.. ahhh bad joke.)... lets see what those bloody doctors are capable of ey...

until then. i bid farewell. later days.
7 lost souls venture
04:15pm 07/04/2006
mood: ...
I am really sorry... to everyone... for everything... to anyone I have ever upset, angered or disappointed in the past or present... I can honestly say, it was never intential.
07:14pm 06/04/2006
mood: pissed off
grrr had a shitty day, generally in a bad f*cking mood today :( no real reason... snappy at everyone, sick of the turds I have to deal with over the phone at work, can't do their jobs properly :/
stupid phone company had switched off my direct debit payments without telling me, i get a warning my phone was about to be disconnected, log on to see what the fuck is going on, and I had a $250 charge for 2 months and a $50 dishonour fee.. fucking assholes should have told me. paying bills out of my arse lately... like being 5 grand in debt with my parents isn't bad enough.

As shitty as work gets me, I dread my lunch breaks and coming home... can't stand some of the people our company deals with, but when I'm working I'm too busy to think about anything else... found myself having an anxiety attack at lunch time... I even skipped my afternoon break because of how bad I was at lunch, the moment I am doing -nothing- I go into 'freak out' mode (I shoudl prevent myself from thinking outside of work at all costs). I sat down for half an hour outside my work on lunch break, my hands were shaking badly. nothing in my life is 'wrong'... my head just isn't coping with everyday life things at all anymore..

I always wanted a job in the center of town... I got one.. and now I just hate the people, I hate crowds, especially today, when I was standing at the lights, the lil man went green - I didn't pause or take time to cross, i started to walk as SOON as it went green and some C*NT behind me bashed past me, I was one step away from punching the f*cker in the face. I HAAATTTEEEEEE people touching me, it's been worse lately, even friends who uninvitedly (not a real word) touch me in anyway other then the first hug and BAH! I have asked two friends to back off lately for putting their hand on me, even though I know it's not meant in anyway more then friends, I just hate people touching me now, it makes me feel dirty and insanely pissed off. The only two people now who I dont' care how many times they want to hug me are dad and matt, that's it. everyone else can just get out of my interpersonal space. *puts a bubble around herself and makes a grumpy face.*


just paid my stupid phone bill... god forbid the phone I rarely use now be disconnected :/ thank you trankillity for helping me fix my computer :) you're a champ... got AVG running, spybot search and destroy & ad-aware running (just put tha ton, and within 10 seconds i had 98 problems - could explain the billions of ads that pop up every 2 seconds lol) downloaded everythigns updates!.. then onto ccleaner... *nods* clean my Frank II up (my current computer - RIP Frank I, yes I name my pc's shut up! *pets her computer*). AND I solved my mouse problem... he had dust bunny disease... *looks around to see if anyone is looking before petting her mouse too... hugs her keyboard while she's at it* and I'll finish the evening with a big phat disk defragging.

8 minutes until Lost is on! >_<

I have only realised how many charity/organisations stand directly outside my work (figures to stand outside the bank)... green peace, wspa (both organisations i got contact #'s off for, for the site I want to set up), MND, and this guy in a wheelchair who is mentally.. umm disabled (I don't want that to sound bad.. :( ) and everyone walks past him and ignores him.. i went up the other morning (pissed off how every morning people walk past and ignore him - i was one of those people *feels extra bad*) and filled out the lil things and gave some money and I finally caved in and bought donation thingies off the guy from mnd (who runs up to me everyday without fail asking me to donate and buy something, now i can just flash the badges i bought at him and say 'you already got me buddy'... no wonder i'm broke... i keep feeling bad :( but at least it's for a good cause.
*runs to Lost*
10 lost souls venture
07:40pm 04/04/2006
mood: content
amazing.. how your mood can be brought up so easily by one person...

crap... i think i'm smiling and i'm alone in my room.. no one can see me!! mwahaha.

thank you HD....

"whatever's gonna happen now..."
08:41pm 01/04/2006
mood: annoyed
I like how they just brought in the 1 yr holiday visa for americans here, and in america they brought in the under 30 working holiday visa for australians... *note: sarcasm*

just a little late...
"you and I are different,it's over now,you let me walk away.I thought that we had something tighter"   
09:56am 01/04/2006
mood: numb
how do you know if a decision you make is the right one, especially if part of that decision is taking the risk of never knowing... "It's a shame you never asked me if I'd stay"
Kinda scarey... I have $300 worth of new records, and about $200 2nd hand records, $40 sicmats... $250 headphones... no decks and I still can't spin. lol hahaha *hugs her records* but I do have a record player, a carton of beer, pack of smokes and a huge bag of peanuts... house to myself tonight... putting on my phat pants. pumping up the tunes. >:] dancing around the house *wiggles* who needs human company... this is the life.

I know that i've been mad in love before
And how it could be with you
Really hurt me baby, really hurt me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now i've got to know much more

Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part

-Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy
(i'm a git, every song on the massive attack album i have... i have on my puter already... didn't realise I already had all their albums :$ 138 songs by them...)

This girl I know needs some shelter, She don’t believe anyone can help her, She’s doing so much harm, doing so much damage, But you don’t want to get involved,
You tell her she can manage, And you can’t change the way she feels, But you could put your arms around her, I know you want to live yourself,
But could you forgive yourself, If you left her just the way, You found her

I stand in front of you, I’ll take the force of the blow... Protection
You’re a boy and I’m a girl, But you know you can lean on me, And I don’t have no fear, I’ll take on any man here, Who says that’s not the way it should be

I stand in front of you, Take the force of the blow... Protection
She’s a girl and you’re a boy, Sometimes you look so small, you look so small, You got a baby of your own, When your baby’s grown, she’ll be the one, To catch you when you fall

Stand in front of you, Take the force of the blow... Protection. You’re a girl and I’m a boy

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter, Just runnin round and round, helter skelter, And I’ve leaned on you for years, Now you can lean on me,
An that’s more than love, that’s the way, It should be, Now I can’t change the way you think, But I can put my arms around you
That’s just part of the deal, That’s the way I feel, I put my arms around you

I stand in front of you, Take the force of the blow, Protection. You’re a boy and I’m a girl...

9 lost souls venture
not awake enough to feel - listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness...   
05:32pm 30/03/2006
mood: blank
Not a lot happening lately, sick again (suprise suprise), got the massive attack album (greatest hits - a song playing in the music store caught me - another instant buy... I seem to be shopping a lot, distracting myself, retail theropy, new gecko ear rings, om necklace, buddah sicmats, new records...)
I've been having weird anxiety attacks, which kinda sucks... I blanked out at work again today... my job isn't so great. I don't mind the fact there's so much work you have to remind yourself to breathe :/ but yeah...
...Paul Van Dyke tomorrow... not so motivated to do much anymore though.

Has anyone had those moments when you hear a tune and it makes you feel really...? I can't explain it... not feeling myself lately... not feeling like anything lately, infact...
no real desire to do anything, or talk to anyone, or see anyone.. no motivation really... dad keeps telling me I'm just at that 'point in life... that age'. I don't know what to do, where to go... I feel like I've lost all my goals and things to aim towards... nothing really holding me down or guiding me anywhere anymore *slides into her chair*, who knows, who cares...

laster days

I'm just another one of your phases

familiar situation.... same thing that happened just over a year ago, nice big fat repeat. I'm done with my family (excluding dad). I'm not taking anymore crap from a derranged emotional psychopath just because I'm related by blood. I'll be fucked if I'm letting them rub off on me anymore then they have.
2 lost souls venture
"I don't know what to do, about this dream and you"   
07:20pm 24/03/2006
mood: numb
just making a quick update... bought myself a present yesterday... seemed fitting since I've been having nightmares about cobra snakes, amounst other relavent things going on at the moment... I promised myself I'd stop blowing money since I really need to pay off debts and save to get out of this god forsaken place (& since I work at a bank... the same one were I opened a joint account :( I figure I should use this to my benefit, get a car... or something?). I walked into scarab yesterday, they only had one... $60 later I have this oversized thing (& no wallspace to put it...)... actually turns out, it has a lot of significant meaning. It's odd how much people can rub off on you...

if you have ever wondered what a crying geko looks like.. (which I'm sure you haven't) yeh.. emo, I know... Dad & I are just kicking back having a few beers on the porch, I think I ruined the mood, I just started balling my eyes out...

I wrote my first poem... don't laugh :( I know it's crap.

25th March - horoscope
It's time to face up to certain things about yourself that you may have been in denial over for some time now, Courtney. No one is watching you. You only have yourself to answer to, so you can relax. You're not the first person to have to deal with old hang-ups that probably aren't even as shameful as you may think. Yet, you shouldn't necessarily be proud of them either. You can't keep hiding them from yourself, as this could cause more problems than just dealing with your problems once and for all...
I think I have found my new "safe place", I have always gone there in times of stress, even at 2am some times, just to get away. but today I found myself sitting on the bridge looking into the creek watching turtles, cat fish, ducks and eels. It's always so full of life, things seem to ease when I'm there. I just enjoy watching the creeks inhabitants and taking everything in around me... think I might spend tomorrow there.
14 lost souls venture
E.A.P. - Alone   
10:05pm 21/03/2006
mood: numb
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

*yawns & crawls into bed*
2 lost souls venture
04:18am 19/03/2006
mood: realisation
Such a bizarre night, for the first time ever I got sick from drinking too much water lol but it was a great sober night. I took many videos and pics of DuaneMC spinning, and had some hard dances, haven't done in a while... really gets the natural high thing going - woooo! (photos to come!) YOU ROCKED THE HOUSE DUANE!! proud of you mate.

After Duane finished his set and came to sit down, I realised the last time I sat there was at dv8 last july with matt (when i sat in fucking chewing gum and ruined my good shoes), when I convinced him to take off his shirt and he wore my sleeves *smirks at the memory* and of course the damn dj had to play Heartbeatz while I sat there thinking (way to go to play a song that reminds me of him.. )

I sat there and realised I've been holding onto lost hope, and that I have been in denial... I will never have him back (as much as i have been hoping for a miracle *sigh)... I suppose the reality of it all has just been to hard to cope with... so while sitting there listening to heartbeatz I decided to make myself an imaginary box... store all the good memories (it's the good memories that make it so painful and hard to let go...) in my imaginary box and place it safely in my heart (corny I know... but this is what I was thinking...)... I need to come to terms with the fact the memories are just that... memories... and I have lost the real thing completely and forever... (sounds so dramatic... it hurts..)

I've been holding onto this stupid idea... that he'd just turn up on my door step one day soon and everything from the past 6 months and all the crap will just be forgotten... :( but I'm only now realising what an impossible fantasy I created to get myself through the past 1 1/2 months...
I still love him right this moment as I did 6 weeks ago... 6 months ago... a year ago... and I'm not going to force myself to stop loving him... He is one person who had an amazing impact on my life and left impressions and new ways of life/thinking I would never ask to change, I will always be thankful to him for that... going to fall asleep now remembering him for the great times he brought and the fond memories I will never forget *hugs her imaginary box and her peguin*

over and out cadets
3 lost souls venture
New email address   
09:43pm 17/03/2006
mood: listless
New msn/email address people. I'll still check the old one a bit. I have too many people who know my current one, so I'm moving away from it.

See some of you tomorrow night, see the rest of you around whenever.

later days
2 lost souls venture
"you gave me more to live for, more then you'll ever know..."   
09:05am 16/02/2006
mood: depressed
spoke to the vet... Henry isn't getting any better.

He has to go into surgery today... I'll know tomorrow if I can bring him back home again or not :(
Dad leaves tomorrow night... :(

fuck... ;(
2 lost souls venture
Friends Lock   
09:29am 28/12/2005
  decided it is time to go back to putting my journal on friends lock for a while.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

15 lost souls venture
01:37pm 04/12/2005
mood: thoughtful
i love this picture.... ♥ Ivy (matt's neice) & Matthew... ♥

the two people i just went christmas shopping for... :) Ivy makes me so clucky. *slaps herself* bad courtney!

lastnight rocked, thanks jess and andy :) met some kickass girls while we were out (i never used to get along with chicks, but i have made so many female friends in the past 2 months it's crazy - but it's a pleasent change). i was supposed to work today.. i think 14 days was enough, i deserve one day dammit, looking forward to next weekend, freeformation, xmas bbq (you all better be coming!) - then my mom is leaving back to sydney :S - mixed feelings on that.


I can't get rid of you, I don't know what to do
I don't even know who is growing on who, 'Cos everywhere I go you're there
I Can't get you out of my hair, I Can't pretend that I don't care - it's not fair

I'm (being) punished for all my offences, I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences
I wanna banish you from whence you came, But you're part of me now
And I've only got myself to blame

You're really growing on me, (Or am I growing on you?)
You're really growing on me, (Or am I growing on you?)
Any fool can see

Sleeping in an empty bed, Can't get you off my head
2 lost souls venture
you never wanted me.   
06:20pm 16/11/2005
mood: shocked
I love moby...

"In my dreams I'm dying all the time
Then I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me...

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
Then I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind"
"Lost you somewhere..."   
07:29pm 14/11/2005
mood: contemplative

i will never understand how two people so far apart had such a strong connection. The two months we spent living together wasn't what i had ever expected, and it always seemed harder to talk to him while he was here (but it made my little world feel so complete..). I love the net for being the way i met him... but i'll curse it for what it has done to us.

So many times we got THAT close.. i will always love my little american.. so perfect, so untouchable.. everything feels like nothing when it's so far away... I wish i had the guts to pack my things up and go and be with him. Two wrongs don't make a right..

"Here I go out to sea again, The sunshine fills my hair
And dreams hang in the air, Gulls in the sky and in my blue eyes
You know it feels unfair, There's magic everywhere

Look at me standing, Here on my own again, Up straight in the sunshine

No need to run and hide, It's a wonderful, wonderful life,
No need to hide and cry, It's a wonderful, wonderful life

Sun in your eyes, The heat is in your hair
They seem to hate you, Because you're there

And I need a friend, Oh, I need a friend
To make me happy, Not stand here on my own

Look at me standing, Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine"
4 lost souls venture
regret is your past crippling you in the future.   
09:09am 12/11/2005
mood: content
i just had a CRAZY memory...thing.. i'm sitting here and suddenly i just went FUCK someone stole my cradle of filth cd 4 years ago!!!
god i wish i knew who the hell stole it, so i could kick their arse! :( i never even got to listen to the CD, i waited 2 months for a CD store to get it in and paid $56 for it! pissed off man. talk about the past coming back to bite me on the arse.

* So i got up at 7am... on a Saturday.. i haven't done this in years.... had a 12 hour shift yesterday, went out afterwards for dinner with dad at a cafe where he's mates with the owners (ran into a guy who used to babysit me when i was like 5! (he's only 3 yrs older then me O_o)
* i got a pay rise ($2/hour - it's a start seeing as i started this job as $4 less/hr then my previous one) i worked hard on getting this - with the help of a new mate ;)
*hopefully will have my & Matthew's website/organisation up and running in the next month
* Matty is moving over from America >_< (which i'm more excited about them him...)

notsomighty someone found my collar you made me!!! *few* :D
dad is having a little pimping party tonight, *nods* i am taking Jonno as my hostage and saviour for the night (totally forgot Fuze is on tonight! :( i think my body deserves a break though..)
8 lost souls venture
i will always miss my matty...   
07:41pm 23/09/2005
mood: depressed
i miss him so much... i can't bring myself to look at any photos of him or us... i feel like i ripped my own heart out... it hurts so damn much :( i wasn't going to go out tonight because i have been sick for 2 weeks straight and Godspeed is tomorrow night. But i hate sitting here. And this is the 6th night in a row i've been drinking... i wish he was here. i keep opening the front door, hoping he'll be there, pulling his luggage out of a taxi... but he's never there...

"being here without you is like dying in pain"

he's meant to be the one sitting at this computer... with me at the door whinging at him to get off and give me hugs and attention... that is how things were meant to end...

remembering all the time we spent, i keep on thinking about the past, it's like im living in a trance, i feel you slowly drifting away...
4 lost souls venture
"i'm all alone tonight, nobody cares tonight"   
08:35pm 21/09/2005
mood: depressed
I chose matt over going to europe... because i thought we'd be together forever and i would never regret it.. even though the relationship is 'gone'... i don't regret it... because he brought me a year of happiness and feelings i never knew existed, something money could never buy, i expected so much of him, and the only regret i will ever have is putting him in the position i did, i expected something from him he could never give me (being here with me)...
Someone told me that being in love with someone so deeply, makes you lose touch wih what you want and capable of, i didn't believe this, i thought with matt, someone i love so much, that the dreams all mesh into one, and you plan together... but i started to see it wasn't like that. Especially when you love someone who lives on the other side of the world, you just wait, you don't have them and you're further away from having everything you want...
Noone should wait forever, you only live once, and your wasting their time as much as your own. You go from hoping you'll be together and experience everything, to suddenly everything is gone, but that thin string of hope while you postpone living your life the way you planned, still hangs between you.

Now i can only wish we'll grow a little and want to be together despite the sacrafices we would have to make to live out our dreams. Unfortunately dreams part into different directions until you realise, it's all gone, and you're left with nothing but an empty feeling of loss. People change, and if they don't change with you, they change long after you are gone, when it's too late... If you love someone enough, i guess nothing is really a sacrafice, but if you have doubts, it's nothing but a dream itself, a fantasy world you want, know you can't have, but hold onto so tight, wishing you'll always have the chance.

There's only one person keeping me going right now, and it's someone i didn't even consider a friend.... How do i tell matt i love him and let him go... i can't... i'm dwelling on the 'what ifs', if he was happier, or more sure... then maybe i wouldn't have had to have been the bad guy, the one leaving so much in the dark, him not knowing why i had to do it... I have been constantly wishing he knew that, deep down it was never a suprise ,if you're not ready then it's bound to end...

I have had 'this person' with me every minute i am not at work, to hug me and fall asleep with me crying... hugging him wishing he was Matt, i know he feels the same missing the girl who is putting him through the exact thing i am feeling... i have never felt so much pain and lonliness, and i'm so grateful i have someone there for me every step of the way.

I wish i could explain all of this to Matt, how much i love him, how he was my entire world and hopes and dreams, how much i wish he had been more sure of us... that i have been more sure... because he'll always have it in his head that i ended things because i was unhappy, but the truth is... he made me happier then anything, he was just too far away to see it...
13 lost souls venture
08:08pm 08/09/2005
mood: exhausted
the new job is full on... i wasn't expecting having to stay back on only my second and third day. I don't hate it... but it's...new to me. between work, the dramas of my neighbours ($700 on dog collars $50 a week in refills!! and the cunts are still sending me warning letters!), and stuff... i hardly get time to piss! i actually had to HOLD it in for 2 hours yesterday because there was so much to do.

i miss him.. and i don't care if people get sick of the photos and me talking about it anymore. i miss him like hell and it's killing me. it's been almost 6 weeks since i've seen him.
<img src="http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y248/dazegeko/us.jpg></img>
5 lost souls venture
sliding doors...   
04:03pm 31/08/2005
mood: contemplative
just thinking... if i hadn't have gone to my first rave in june 2003, i would still be studying Psychology at University. I'd be in my 3rd year working my arse off to get into honors next year. to think.. i would have had a degree by the end of next year...
i'd be living somewhere else... i'd have different friends, different boyfriend, probably have never got into rave kind of scene...i'd probably still be using my psychstudy lj, and never have had this one.
just to think, if i had stuck to the path i was originally leading down. EVERYTHING would be different...

once again i just got my horoscope this afternoon, after getting a job interview lined up for tomorrow... this horoscope freaks me out, it come at 4pm every day (late because americans are so far behind ;) and 80% of the time... it's freakily spot on. "New career opportunities, perhaps involving writing or speaking, could appear on the horizon along with the current planetary energy, Courtney. "

and all this makes me think... did i make the right decision...? (i'm having a quarter life crisis if nobody noticed.... ) freaking out if i should go back to university, if i want to continue doing psychology, or animal behaviour or something else.., if i should take this job that pays $3 less an hour ... i'd be working more and still getting paid less then when i was working 35hrs an hour... no sick or holiday benefits. 6 month commitment... answering phones...

i'm 20 years old... nothing to show for it... not a student, im a floating turd in the work industry... ouch... [there are friends i would never think of replacing though... and i would definately never replace my boyfriend... so i guess i'm glad i took the path i did... because i got to find him - everyone together now. "awwww"]

p.s. I HATE TAX RETURNS!!! *stab* :) how does one go about purchasing 'direction in life'? is there a store where i can possibly buy some ambition or a new future or pathway to follow? (if only it were that easy...)

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
meeko is such a cutie!! aww :(
Image hosted by Photobucket.com my family.. :)
7 lost souls venture
who's good at analysing dreams??   
09:37am 26/08/2005
mood: curious
so lately, i've been having these really weird dreams yeah. (could it be the evil chinese food? :P )
early this morning i had a dream that i was on a weird tv show, where you are put into different groups and given a group tshirt colour and sent off to find a treasure. we found the treasure and ran carrying it... across the oval at my 2nd primary school (weird...) for some reason i flew instead of ran... so we finish the race, about a thousand people were standing on the ovel and suddenly out of the clear blue sky a lightening strike hit a girl, and she vanished.

a security guard quickly told everyone to move back because it was going to strike in the same place again, and not moments later, it did. i suggested we sit in the undercover part and she agreed, but only several of ended up doing so. and then the creepy part happened! we're sitting there and the lightening came through, without affecting the roof, it felt around from the sky, along the cement searching for something, i jumped around trying to miss it and i accidently stood where it had already touched and the lighetening vanished.

the security guard touched my shoulder and said it's time, and i'm like time for what? she said the people who have no hope to live are chosen, the people who have already given up trying and no longer belong or are worth continuing are chosen and taken by the lightening, all i could think about in my dream was saying good bye to my boyfriend, and then bang. i was dead.

so... anyone??? any ideas?
9 lost souls venture
i miss you   
05:09pm 22/08/2005
  Image hosted by Photobucket.com
summer palace temple, big effn place!!! why's my nose look funny...
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
a funky bridge, something to add to the list of what i want in my garden when i buy my own house!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
say no to the funky chinese food! im saying no!!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
just missing my other half... this trip would be 20 times better if he was here to experience it with me.
12 lost souls venture
HTID - all i do is cry   
08:54pm 02/08/2005
mood: blahh!!!
When the rain falls down I look up to the sky, Picture you up there and all I do is cry
Being without you is like a dying pain, I’m here looking up, searching for you in the rain
You’re looking down on me, like a guiding star, I will always love you, I will always love you
Looking down on me like a guiding star, I will always love you, wherever you are
Being without you is like a dying in pain, I’m here looking up, searching for you in the rain
Since they took you from me I have no reason for life, You’re in the heavens above, looking down with the light
twenty four seven! *Dances around*
at night when i close my eyes, there's a vision of you inside my head, i'm glad i don't have to think twice, about the times you said you love me, i've got you in my life, there's a part of you in everything i do, i think about you all the time, i was born to love you. when you're next to me, i feel like im in heaven, im in ecstacy twenty four seven, you're my destiny, we're meant to be together, (missed this line!) i want you forever! ;)
there's a picture of you beside my bed, when i turn to the side you are right here with me!
11 lost souls venture
...doesn't feel right.   
07:13am 01/08/2005
mood: blank
*sighs and gets ready for work*
6 lost souls venture
matt has flown home to the US   
10:42am 31/07/2005
mood: depressed
it's only been an hour since i saw him at the airport, and i already miss him like hell :(
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

"See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time that I’m talkin’"
- #1 Crush - garbage
you don't know what you have until it's gone x
21 lost souls venture
01:08pm 30/07/2005
  we got our first joint bank account together, awww :)  
8 lost souls venture
tick tock   
05:30pm 25/07/2005
mood: weird
postponed europe ticket 6 months and i have booked a ticket to leave next friday to China for a month or so.

spir of the moment booking. i leave in 10 days.
10 lost souls venture
07:34pm 21/07/2005
mood: happy
*wiggles and dances around*
matt & i might be buying numark decks (just need a spare 2 grand) hopefully transfer a room into a art/music studio.and a new puter setup... and a video game setup, and an entertainment tv/system setup. *rubs her hands together and grins evilly* oh the possibilities. and a 2 week holiday in cairns, and great barrier reef.
Europe trip is on hold for a while (i bet that's not a suprise to anyone. ticket will be changed in 2 weeks). my brother wants me to live in China for a bit and travel to tibet. VERY tempting, VERY very tempting. but thats one of my two options. huge entertainment system or china + tibet. i figure i'm only 20 and i have heaps of time to do everything i want.

(as the person commented in a previous post) do what makes you happy now :P
i will see most of you on the weekend ;) and having a big *do* here next weekend, more details on it later!
4 lost souls venture
i had too... :)   
09:31pm 12/07/2005
mood: happy
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
10 lost souls venture
What do you do when you can’t have your cake and eat it too.   
10:52am 04/07/2005
mood: confused
Ok hypothetical question for your advice.
Say there is a person (we’ll name him Mr X), and Mr X has always wanted something (we will name this something ‘T’), and he’s so close to getting T, when something else.. (lets call this something, ‘M’ just for the sake of it!) comes along.
Now Mr. X has a choice to make, he can go ahead with T and risk losing M, because he can’t expect M to be there forever. OR he can not go through with T, because unlike M, T is going to be there forever.
Realistically, both T and M are lifetime opportunities. But lately T doesn’t seem to be what it could have been, especially if he doesn’t have M. So even though Mr. X is pretty sure he knows what he wants (if it isn't obvious... M), and has postponed having T for years already… do you think, ‘what is another year?’ with the possibility of waiting, being patient and eventually having M and T together or does he get T and risk losing M?

are you with me?
13 lost souls venture
04:19pm 12/06/2005
mood: happy
could not be happier ...
7 lost souls venture
05:01pm 08/06/2005
mood: naughty
"did you say, no this can't happen to me?"   
07:06pm 01/06/2005
mood: calm
"This is our last goodbye, I hate to feel the love between us die, But it’s over, Just hear this and then I’ll go, You gave me more to live for, More than you’ll ever know, This is our last embrace, Must I dream and always see your face, Why can’t we overcome this wall, Well, maybe it’s just because I didn’t know you at all" *strums her air guitar and dances around* oooooooooooooooo [i love you Jeff R.I.P.]

If you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
*edit* yama ( =control & restraint)
12 lost souls venture
bills bills bills bills bills   
05:16pm 31/05/2005
mood: broke
i HATE bills :( I haven't spent one cent on myself in ages, i hardly even go out anymore. This is so depressing.
i officially hate specialist and hospital bills and i hate $money$.
7 lost souls venture
lyrics can say soooo much.   
08:58pm 28/05/2005
mood: sick
My girlfriend, my dumb donut, Went out to a party just the other night
But 3 hours later and 7 shots of jäger, She was in the bedroom with another guy
And I don't really want to know, So don't tell me anymore
And I really don't want to hear, About her feet all up in the air
And well, I'm not the one who acted like a ho, Why must I be the one who has to know?
I'm not the one who messed up big time, So spare me the details, if you don't mind!!
Now I can understand friends who want to tell me, Think they're gonna help me open up my eyes
But the play-by-play makes me want to lose it, Everytime you do it, man, it turns the knife

Now I don't need to hear about the sounds they were making
And I don't need to hear about how long he was taking, Or how the walls, they were shaking
Now I'm lying in bed, wallowing in sorrow, Missing the tomorrow that we could have had
Running through my head, over and over...Things I never told her now just make me sad
And it drives me insane, sitting with a vision, Stuck with that image burned into my brain!!!!
And I feel so dumb that I could ever trust her, But someone else fucked her, then he walked away!!
AND I DONT REALLY WANNA KNOW! SO DONT TELL ME ANYMORE! *dances a little and has a coughing fit*
Sorry i missed your bday party jess. :( i had my outfit set out and everything.
3 lost souls venture